::............... inhabit corners.::proxemics is the study of how people interact with and relate to the inanamate objects in the spaces they inhabit. relationship proxemics is anthrobabble applied to my life.
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:: Sunday ::
it's so cold here, i know this is how cold it usually is around here, but it seems colder than i remember. it must be the fact that i haven't been here for a whole winter in 4 or 5 years. it makes it seem colder i guess because i'm not used to it anymore. before i came out here i hadn't even put the liner in my trench coat yet, and now i have the liner in and i won't venture out without a sweater. it's cold. nevermind the skirt and boots i was going to wear for new years, now it's looking more like two pairs of jeans and a long sleve shirt. bah.:: Saturday ::
my room in my father's house is in the basement, it's a finished basement, of course. but the deck is over my window so there's no sunlight streaming in. makes it kind of hard to get up in the morning. it doesn't matter when i first open my eyes, i get that sluggish feeling i get trying to wake up at 5 am....you can't get up now, it's not morning yet. the suns not up yet silly go back to sleep.:: Friday ::
so i'm back "home" and it's weird. listning to my brother watch american history x in the back ground, looking for zork to download for my dad, already being pulled in a million and 5 directions. my room looks different, is it? or am i? maybe i should limit my self to thoughts less deep than the snow, but that's not much of a limit at the moment. yes, i know i'm vague today, yes, i know i'm strange. it's strage to come "home", to find myself trying to make sence of who i was here and how that diverges from who i am. trying to remember that sometimes i feel like a grownup. sometimes. oh well, it only lasts a week so i might as well enjoy it.
i'm dreaming of a white christmas...in my hometown near buffaol....where the lake is frozen.....and there's a dozen...people who i used to know.....oh....i'm dreaming.....:: Monday ::
let me start by saying that she's ok. but. my mother had a smallish heart attack or some similar problem last thrusday, almost passed out in front of a room full of first graders. and no one told me until today, and only then because i happened to call my brother. my mother didn't want to worry me. she could have died over the weekend and i wouldn't of been there to say goodbye. that bothers me. for two reasons. one is that my mother is only 50, thats aufly young for heart trouble, and that doesn't bode well for my own health. the second is that no one called me. wether or not i choose to worry should be my decision, i don't like having my decisions made for me.
besides, i already know what i'm getting you for christmas, and it's going to blow your mind. he says this, out of nowhere. just becase he knows how i feel about surprises. how do i feel about surprises you ask? conflicted. i like to be surprised but i don't want to know one's comming. a surprise out of no where rocks. the sentance "i've got a surprise for you later" drives me wild with insatiable cruriosity, leaves me prone to inapropriately silly behavior, and generally puts me in a state which eventually decends into outrage at the fact that no one will tell me what the surprise is. he thinks i'm cute when i'm outraged. he does it on purpose. he probably doesn't even know what he's getting me for christmas, just that telling me he does will make me nuts.:: Saturday ::
i'm not happy with people today. here's why. we have an angel tree kind of thing going at work. it's for a children's hospital, a children's psych hospital to be exact. when we tell people we're taking donations for sick kids we get lots of money. when we tell them we're taking donations for mentally ill kids, we get no money at all. it sucks. no wonder they guy who runs day programs for these kids was so overjoyed that we were doing this for them, no one helps them out usually. aparently the staff squirles stuff away all year just to have christmas presents for the kids. amazing. these kids didn't ask to be born with chemical imbalances, they didn't ask to be abused (a big reason many of them are in there). why are cancer patients more lovable than mental ones?:: Thursday ::
sometimes throwing people to the sharks is the best way to make sure they can swim. well, the fastest way at least, maybe not the best. but it works.
i always wanted to be the kind of person who does what needs doing. i never wanted to be the boss who fired people right before a holiday. unfortuantely those two desires cannot both be filled at the moment. my father always told me that when you have two possible choices, the right one is usually the hardest. so i'll do what needs doing. it's not one of the easier things i've done. but, it's not something i'm going to let myself loose sleep over, either. they choose to slack off, knowing full well that at this point slackers are not being tolerated. wether they will ever admit it to themselves or not, these people choose to be fired. it's just up to me to carry through.:: Monday ::
caffeine is a good thing. really it is. it's not addictive, really, and i'm not an addict. yeah right. it's not a stylish thing to admit, if you're going to admit an addiction it should be something stylish like cocaine. sorry, but i get into enough trouble with caffeine, i'd be scared to touch anything stronger. i realized today that if i don't get my cup of coffee in the morning i get a headache. and if i don't eventually cave in and have one it doesn't go away, no matter how much tylonol or advil i take (excedrine migrane works, but surprise surprise, it has caffeine). it's probably not a good thing that my entire staff knows that i take my coffee light but with no sugar, that i take my mountain dew without ice. it's even worse that my boss knows it too. or that when i'm having a bad day at work someone miraculously decides to go get a drink and asks if i want anything. unfortuantely at the moment i can't deal with the headaches that would accompany not drinking coffee, so doing something about it will just have to wait.
and the word of the day today, boys and girls, is context things need to be taken in their propper context. things, taken out of their context, make less sence, can be twisted, are often misconstrued. when two people are speaking from inside differnt contexts they can speak right past each other, having two conversations instead of one, and never getting through. that's one of the joys of being human, i guess.:: Friday ::
that altered bodies/extreme beauty exhibit at the met isn't as cool as it pretends to be. there's only one little thing on foot binding. one little thing on corsetry. one microscopic thing on neck legnthening, some old dresses but not many. mostly it's haught cotour stuff, and yes i know i spelled it wrong. intersting in it's own right, i know, but when you go looking for a historical perspective on the things that people have done to their bodies over the years, it's a bit of a dissapointment. way too small. if you're a fashion type i'm sure it's truely interesting, otherwise it's nice but not worth a special trip to the museaum.:: Sunday ::
scattered day today. ran around in circles and didn't do anything in the proper order. and had a fantastically productive day. after i got done throwing things around the back room and out the back door in a fit of anger and came up with a plan. ok...here's the problem in human nature terms. say you've got a tribe. say in this tribe there's a cheif, and slightly subordinate to him/her are a few elders, then subordinate to them there's the rest of the tribe. now say the youngest elder - are you following me here? good - decided not to listen to the chief. visibly. decided to almost always do exactly the oposite of what the chief asked. if that youngest rebellious elder is left un-punished, the tribe is apt to follow that elder instead of the chief, especially if what the chief wants is for everyone to collect food for winter and what the elder wants is for everyone to sleep late and smoke too many peace pipes. if the elder is simply punished but left in the tribe to sulk they will still be setting a bad example. after the elder is given chance after chance after chance to listen to the chief the only real option is to expell them from the tribe, to restore equlibrium. to get everyone back on track gathering food and reinforcing the huts for winter. yes i know i just used a stone age metaphore to discribe the staff of a retail store trying to gear up for the christmas holiday season. but it fits. and as much as i hate it, as much as that's not the kind of boss i wanted to be, and much as it changes me as a person to make myself be that kind of boss - i have to be. my only other option is to let things continue to slide into anarchy until my district manager has to step in and run the store herself, doing my job and her's, never sleeping or seeing her husband or walking her dog. and i happen to like my boss, so even on the days when i'd like nothing more than to walk away without looking back, it's not an option. so as much as i don't want to fire one of my longsest standing staff memebers, i will. and as much as i'd like to pretend i'll regret it, i won't. i'm not sorry i'm fixing a problem, i'm just sorry the problem exists.:: Saturday ::
i must be inherently trust worthy. it's weird. i was never the popular type, so that's not why people talk to me. i don't generally say what people want to hear. i do tend to give good advise, not the easy to follow stuff though. no one want's to hear that they should do the painfull thing they know is right but were trying to advoid by asking someone else for input. but that's what i tell them, so why do they talk to me? anyway......to change the subject....i am beginning to think that responsibility is one of those words that no one knows anymore. no one ever has a reason for anything, just excuses. no one does anything, they just talk about why they didn't. it drives me up a fucking wall, excuse my language. grar. i can't even be objective today. i'll try again later
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